chapter 19

word count: 1054

buzz never called..  he didn’t have to.. it was all over the news.. he was all over the news.. jeannie slipped deeper into the soft cushion of the couch holding tightly to her coffee cup as if it was the only thing that kept her from disappearing deep into the cracks between the cushions.. 

adam had slipped in and gone right to his room.. she had wanted to ask him where he had been all day,, but she couldn’t find the words.. the acid in the coffee had mixed with the bile of the day leaving jeannie afraid to open her mouth.. afraid of what might come out if she did..  

she stared blankly into the tv screen.. buzz had long since disappeared, but she could not break her gaze.. maybe, if she held it long enough, he would come back.. maybe then, through some sort of sleight of hand,, he would see her too,, or at least hear the cold emptiness of her soul calling out to him..  maybe then,, he would come home,, take her into that warm safe place that existed only in arms,, and make it all go away…

***

it had all happened so quickly.. the phone call,, the ride to the doctor’s office,, being ushered into the exam room,, all of it was a blur.. she seemed to remember something about adam standing in the front yard as she slipped behind the wheel of her range rover,, and the door closed almost instinctively behind her.. she seemed to recall she had seen him speaking.. that is to say, she had seen his lips moving,, but for the life of her,, she had not been able to make out any sound..

her next memory was that of sitting in the exam room waiting for dr. klum.. the sickly beige walls swirling around her, creating a vortex,, threatening to suck her in.. the beating of her own heart raised up boisterously from her chest,, becoming so loud, in fact, that she didn’t even hear the double tap on the door announcing dr. klum’s entry..  

“good morning jeannie,, thanks for coming in on such short notice.” dr. klum greeted her, as he slipped his soft, sweaty hand around hers.. he held onto her hand for a moment longer than was necessary,, not letting go until her eyes met his..

“i’m sorry, jeannie,, but what i have for you today is not good news.” he said as he took a seat on the exam room’s rolling stool, and slid in close.. “the radiologist that reviewed the chest x-rays we took as a routine course of treatment in your most recent bout with bronchitis, noticed what presents itself as a mass in your right breast.. that mass is consistent with a form of breast cancer called Medullary Carcinoma, or a cluster of cells that resemble the medulla or gray matter of the brain..” 

mass. cancer. medulla. brain. jeannie’s subconscious cleaved to some of the words,, but refused to allow herself to connect them.  she shook her head slightly,, as she tried to assemble them into something,, anything that made sense... 

dr. klum continued, “we need to confirm his suspicions as soon as possible so i can suggest a course of treatment should one be necessary.. i have arranged with the sonographer on the second floor for you to have an immediate ultrasound.. pending that outcome, we will meet again in an hour or so,, and i will be able to give you more specific information..”

the sound of jeannie’s boisterously beating heart ceased.. it felt as if a leaded drape had suddenly been laid upon her chest,, separating her from the sound of her own heart.. shaking her head sharply, yet again,, jeannie became aware  that somehow she had made her way to the ultrasound technician’s office,, and was now laying on the paper covered procedure table,, clothed from the waist up in only a blue striped hospital style gown.. 

“this is gonna feel cold.” the technician warned her as she squirted the icy, transparent gel onto jeannie’s right breast and began to paint an indecipherable picture of her interior on the black and white monitor just overhead.. 

“isn’t it beautiful out today?” the tech queried pleasantly as she drew the ultrasound’s hand held device back and forth in an arching motion across jeannie’s exposed breast.. “i am so over the whole winter thing…” she continued filling the room with the sound of her voice as if it could stave off the all-consuming gravity of the procedure she was performing.. 

“just knowing that the sun is shining…” the technician’s voice trailed off,, no longer penetrating the confines of jeannie’s consciousness. 

as if she was being led by the hand by some omniscient presence,, jeannie went through the motions of redressing and returning to dr. klum’s office.. she waited for what seemed like an eternity,, before she heard the receptionist call her name,, and then followed her in silence, until she was deposited, once again,  in the stark, beige exam room.. 

“the doctor will be right with you, mrs. miller.” jeannie heard the receptionist say as the door closed behind her, leaving jeannie alone with what was left of her thoughts.. 

she wanted buzz.. she wanted to feel his strong arms around her.. she wanted to sink into the warm flesh of his chest,, to somehow dissolve into him and escape whatever was yet to come. she felt as if she would crumble to the floor under the weight of the day.. she doubted she could withstand even one more syllable.. jeannie was alone,, so helplessly alone.. oh god!! where was buzz when she really needed him??

a quick double tap on the door signaled dr. klum’s reentry.. he smiled, empatheticly,, and took his place on the exam rooms rolling stool once more..

“i just want you to know, that take no pleasure in reporting to you that the ultrasounds findings support the suspicions of the radiologist..” painfully,, dr. klum paused..

“i am sorry, jeannie,, but  it’s cancer..” was the last thing she heard him say..

“it’s cancer.”

“it’s cancer.”

“it’s cancer.”

***

“mom?? mama are you alright?” jeannie heard what she recognized to be adam’s voice as it pierced through the walls of her own darkness. 

“i’m hungry…”